I struggle with it. I really love it and then I really hate it. I can go from having extreme periods of frequent sexual activity to almost celibacy. It all stems from the issues that plague me from my past to my present.
Identifying your problems is one thing but to recognize, pinpoint and name the cause of the predicament or even learning what the causes are and then addressing what needs to be fixed, can be so arduous . Admitting to the fact I might have a problem with sex is either, A. Bullshit, I’m just a hoe or B. I’m insightful to the possibility that I have a self esteem drawback. Can my promiscuity be just that or a plea for attention because all in all…I want to be loved? I also want to be praised for the reason that, hey! A boost to the ego can make this ride called life a little bit easier.
My sexual encounters have taken me on a course with multiple outcomes that I have ended up revisiting more than once. Like that free clinic! Like that pharmacy ! Or the worst one, left all alone. Which sends me on a downward spiral of insecurity, disappointment and embarrassment. To then use sex to elevate me back up.
Validation, validation, validation!
That’s what my behavior has shouted and made myself and others see as “who I am.” But what do I need validation for? I need to be validated that I’m worth something; that I’m desirable; that even if it isn’t love it’s someone saying they want me and that’s something rather than nothing. That to me, is the problem.
I know that I can’t use sex as replacement for love but I don’t even know how to let myself be loved. First I have to learn to love myself to let anyone else love me or for I to love them. And you know what I didn’t always love myself, but I can say now that I’m approaching 32 years old and I’m beginning to fall in love with who I am and who Steve Andre Matos is becoming.
My relationship with myself is the most important one. The same goes for you reading this, you matter, your opinion of yourself matters. How do I get love to me, how do I bring it into my life? That’s when it comes down to me to exude love, love to myself and love to others around me. But I can’t lie I don’t want to stop having sex what I want to stop is this feeling of shame that I have with it. I can’t really explain what it means when I want it, don’t want it, hate it and love it all at the same time. But what’s next? More of me sleeping with a new person that I will never speak to again or is it the love I been hoping for that I didn’t care to admit to before or even realize it’s what I really needed.
What we have to do as a community is to stop judging each other for it. Calling me a thot is not going to help me stop being one. If I’m gonna fuck I’ll fuck. If I’m not I’m not. That decision is up to me and I’m ready to face the consequences. The last thing I need is your smutty opinion. Maybe you have felt this way too maybe you haven’t but this is what sex is for one individual, which makes you think how else it could possibly be for others.